Close Encounters of the Bizarre Kind
by Sargent Snarky
Summary: A series of Oneshots detailing various bizarre yet humerous scenarios that could happen within The World...
1. Small World

Close Encounters of the Bizarre Kind 

_A series of One-shots detailing the strange and often humorous (or at least _I_ find them humorous) little things I think of involving the .hack characters, among others. Please note that there will be crossovers in some of these from other video games, anime, etc._

**Disclaimer**_: I do not own .hack._

**On Reviews**_: Please review! Reviews are addicting, and I'd hate to start suffering withdrawal symptoms if people didn't review…_

**Genre: **Humor / Parody (Some of it, anyway)

**Rating: **G toPG (I'm not really sure whether some of these are little kid friendly enough to constitute a G rating, so that's why I've opted to rate it PG )

Close Encounter Number One: **Small World**

Kite hurried through Mac Anu, or tried to, at any rate. It was absolutely thronging with people, most of them newbies. The red-clothed twin blade sighed as yet another cluster of oblivious chattering players walked on by. They would have run him over, if not for his quick reflexive dodging. As it was, Kite had to keep on dodging and sidestepping to avoid more clumps. It was more challenging than one might imagine.

"Ooh… Blackrose is going to kill me for being late," he muttered as he finally came within sight of the Chaos Gate.

He couldn't see Blackrose – too many other player blocking his view – but he knew she'd be there, fuming with impatience. And when he _did_ reach the Chaos Gate, she'd be ticked off at him, and Kite would wind up receiving a long lecture. If he logged out now to avoid it, she'd only send him an angry email, then refuse to talk, or meet him for a couple weeks, or until he had apologized profusely enough. Either way, Kite was in trouble. He sighed resignedly and began the last leg of the gauntlet of newbies.

Just a few feet from the steps to the Chaos Gate, a pink-haired heavy blade who looked remarkably familiar brushed past him. Kite did a double take. Well, she was a bit shorter than before, but wasn't that Blackrose? But, she'd disappeared into the seething throng. Kite shook his head and shrugged. It had to have been his imagination.

He turned and headed up the stairs to the Chaos Gate, where…

"Kite, what the hell took you!"

Kite winced and turned slowly to face Blackrose. She stood next to the Chaos Gate, arms crossed and eyes glaring at the twin blade.

She stomped over to him, shouting, "How long does it take to drop off five fricken items at Elf's Haven! You. Are. Late!"

Kite shuffled uncomfortably. "Blackrose, I'm sorry," he began, and he was about to say more when he was cut off by another voice.

"Shugo! Where _have_ you been? Just because we're in the same house, albeit in two different rooms on two different computers, doesn't mean you can hide from me!"

Kite looked over his shoulder. "Gah!" he exclaimed, jumping away from both the one behind him and Blackrose, for the one behind him looked exactly like Blackrose, except that the one behind him was a bit smaller. Still, both of them were glaring at him with similar looks of female irritation.

"Uh.. This is just creepy," he said.

"What the hell?" snapped Blackrose, in perfect agreement, though she didn't voice it.

The Blackrose clone didn't seem to notice the other. Instead, she stomped towards Kite, who backed away, scared for his digital life.

"Answer me when I talk to you!" she demanded as Kite reached the wall and had no where else to go.

Meanwhile, another player warped in, appearing right next to Blackrose. This other player looked like a smaller version of Kite. He did not see the real Kite and the mini-Blackrose, but instead glanced at the real Blackrose and grimaced at her steady glare.

"Rena," he stuttered to her, and she glanced at him with surprise, puzzlement and confusion, but he didn't notice. "Look! I'm really, really sorry I'm late! You see Hotaru's grunty got lost in a field and she called me to help, since she couldn't reach anyone else, so I went to the field to help her and –"

He fell silent as he realized Blackrose was giving him the strangest look. "What the heck are you talking about?" she asked.

"Huh? What's the matter, Rena..?"

At the same time, the mini-Blackrose, thinking Kite's confusion was faked just to try and get out of answering, drew her blade and slashed down at Kite, shouting, "I'm sick and tired of this! I swear you are the worst brother ever!"

Kite, however, was a much better player than her brother, and, with his own blades, easily blocked her downward cut. The mini-Blackrose let out a cry of disbelieving annoyance and slashed at his legs. Kite easily leapt over her clunky blade, then blocked a thrust toward his middle. Keeping her from actually doing any damage was extremely easy, almost pathetically so, not that her strikes would do more than a few hit points worth anyway. She wasn't even half his level – 99, the highest any player could conceivably go.

"You know," he pointed out after a few more blocks. "Player Killing is illegal, except in specially sanctioned PvP fights."

"Oh shut up, Shugo," she grunted. "Man, when'd you get so good?"

Kite arched an eyebrow at her. "What are you talking about? My name's Kite, not Shugo."

"Huh?" The girl stopped, staring at him. "Wha- what?"

A peal of uncontrolled laughter burst forth, suddenly, from a bystander, and Kite, Blackrose and the two mini clones turned to face… Kazu, who was gasping for breath between giggles and leaning against the wall.

Blackrose and mini-Blackrose glared at him, hissing, "Just _what_ is so funny. Kazu?"

Then they looked at each other and gagged inarticulately. Kazu just laughed louder, doubling over, barely able to remain standing. Both Kites just stared at him, wondering if the wavemaster had gone mad.

After a few moments, Kazu was able to gasp out, "You guys… are… so pathetically… hilarious… Sis, Rena, Shu-boh, Kite…"

Blackrose narrowed her eyes at him. She stalked over to him and jabbed a finger in his face. "Damn it, Kaz, quit laughing and explain yourself!"

Still giggling, he said, "Sis… Sorry, but… Rena thought Kite was Shugo, and Shugo thought you were Rena.. and you and Kite were just confused… It was just priceless!"

"So…" said Rena, glancing over at Shugo. "You're my brother then! You idiot! Can't you tell her from me?"

"But… you look exactly the same! Well, except she's taller," said Shugo, then he froze, eyes suddenly widening as he stared between Blackrose and Kite. "Wait a minute…. You two are Blackrose and Kite! OH MY GOD!"

"Wha-? The .hackers!" squealed Rena. She then blushed crimson and turned to Kite, bowing low. "I'm sooo sorry Kite-sama! I can't believe I attacked you like that! I'm so, so sorry!"

Kite waved her off, looking somewhat uncomfortable. "Uh.. It's all right! You can just call me Kite…"

Shugo, meanwhile, stared at Blackrose. "So… you're the legendary players? The real ones?" he asked, gaping.

Blackrose blushed slightly. "Uh… I guess so… Uh… Why do you guys look like us?"

"They won a contest in which the prizes were your avatars," explained Kazu. "Remember, stupid CC corp outlawed anyone creating new characters using similar character designs to yours?"

"Huh? I didn't know they opened a contest…"

"They didn't," said Kite. "Balmung emailed me about it a while ago, 'cause Aura apparently now has a daughter… and CC corp was acting on their usual policy. Heh."

"What? He never emailed me about that! The looser!"

"He was going to, but I told him not to bother, since you were too busy with tennis and college," said Kazu. "But I did tell you about it, remember? Oh wait.. You must not have been paying attention.. as usual."

Blackrose kicked Kazu. "No," she said. "It was probably because you were whining at the time, as usual."

Kazu stuck his tongue out at her. Shugo and Rena stared. Blackrose turned back to Kite.

"Wait, what did you say about Aura? And isn't Balmung a system administrator?"

"Yeah," said Kite, smirking a bit. "He does a lot of events, especially on this server. Some of them are pretty stupid, though…"

"I heard that!" said Balmung, who was standing by the Chaos Gate, hitherto unnoticed by the others.

Blackrose rounded on him. "How come you never told me about it! You told my brother! You told Kite! I bet you told Orca! And Wiseman, and Helba, but you didn't tell me!"

"And Mistral," said Kazu. "Don't forget her!"

Balmung grinned. "It's your brother's fault. He told me not to bother contacting you, since you were really busy in college. I remember college days, and I didn't think you needed added distraction."

"But you emailed Kite and Orca, and they've just started college!"

"Yes, but at the time, they were still waiting for final acceptance to colleges. You were taking summer courses."

"But you have no right to talk, Balmung! Four years ago, _you_ were in college, and you still found plenty of time to help us out!"

"That was different."

"How so!"

"A couple friends of mine… well, a friend and a rival, were in comas that time. No one was in a coma this time. And there wasn't any danger of anyone actually getting hurt."

They continued arguing, and Kite sighed. Kazu, too, sighed, but grinned at Kite, then Shugo and Rena.

"Isn't my older sister great?" he said, somewhat sarcastically.

"Reminds me of Rena," said Shugo, earning him a slap. "Well it's true," he muttered, earning him a second slap.

Kite chuckled. "Excuse me," he said. "But I don't actually know your names…"

"Oh, I'm Shugo," said Shugo.

"And I'm Rena," said Rena.

"They used to be Akira- uh.. I mean Blackrose's and my neighbors before they moved."

"Really?" said Kite.

"Yup!" agreed Shugo and Rena together.

"Heh. It's a small world," said Kite.

"Hey Blackrose," called Kazu, trying to break up Blackrose's and Balmung's fight.

She ignored him. So… Kazu relied upon brotherly scheming.

"Oh, Akemi, I just remembered: I spilled milk in your dresser drawer. Umm.. The first one on the left side."

"You what!" she exclaimed, spinning around to her brother with horrified eyes. "You didn't spill in that drawer! You wouldn't! And what were you doing in my room with milk, anyway!"

Kazu laughed. "Actually, I didn't. I just wanted to get your attention."

She glared at him, and he hastily continued, "I just wanted to ask you, do you remember the Kunesaki twins?"

"Huh? You mean those two who used to live next door?"

"Yup."

"What about them?"

"Well, they are right in front of you. Shugo and Rena!"

"Are you really Akemi?" asked Rena, gaping.

"Holy cow," said Shugo. "This is totally creeping me out!"

Kite, meanwhile, started singing, "It's a small world, after all…"

To which Blackrose hissed, "Don't you DARE start singing that, Kite!"

He laughed and she swung her sword at him. Since they were both the highest level possible, they were pretty evenly matched, and Kite had to struggle to avoid the serious injury her weapon could deal out. Kazu just burst out laughing, then joined Kite in singing the dreaded song of evil. Balmung toyed with the idea for several moments, then he, too, joined in. Blackrose screamed. Shugo and Rena stared in bemused amusement.

And, floating as they were in the sky, quite unseen by any of the players, Aura and Zefie sang along, too.


	2. A Link To Insanity

CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE BIZARRE KIND 

_A series of One-shots detailing the strange and often humorous (or at least _I_ find them humorous) little things I think of involving the .hack characters, among others. Please note that there will be crossovers in some of these from other video games, anime, etc._

**Disclaimer**_: I do not own .hack I do not own Legend of Zelda. I don't own Nintendo, for that matter, either. Or Atari. Or anything else I reference in this chapter.._

**On Reviews**_: Please review! Reviews are addicting, and I'd hate to start suffering withdrawal symptoms if people didn't review…_

**Genre: **Humor / Parody (Some of it, anyway)

**Rating: **G toPG (I'm not really sure whether some of these are little kid friendly enough to constitute a G rating, so that's why I've opted to rate it PG )

**I'm Really Sorry If This Sucks…**

Close Encounter Two: **A Link to Insanity**

In a random field off of the sigma server, a male figure dressed in a green tunic, green stocking cap, white leggings, leather gauntlets and leather boots lay unconscious. Across his back was strapped a sheath with ornate tracery, and in the sheath was a sword with a blue hilt, emblazoned with a symbol only known as a Triforce. From beneath the spiffy hat, golden blond hair stuck out, falling around two pointed ears, which were longer than any normal human's. Funny thing, though, The World didn't offer elf designs…

A red colored grunty with white hair, white tail, white legs and black feet stood near by, munching on something. A saddle was slung across its back, and it stared at the prostrate form with concern. After a little while, the grunty trotted over to the figure and nudged him. He groaned softly and opened his eyes. They were a deep blue, those eyes, and they were keen. He blinked at the grass poking him in the face, then pushed himself to his knees, staring around in wonder. Last thing he remembered, he was riding his horse Epona, and Navi was yelling at him to watch out because of… something.

The young man's eyes rested upon the grunty, who had remarkably similar coloring to Epona, and he jumped backwards, hand on the hilt of his sword. "Aaah!"

The creature snorted, then spoke, stunning the boy even more. "Hello, Link!"

"Din, Nayru and Farore, what _are_ you? And how do you know who I am!"

The creature looked somewhat hurt. "I'm Epona, Link… I'm just not a horse anymore… exactly. But I can talk! Lookie, Lookie! I can talk!"

Link's eyes widened. "Farore," he breathed. "What the hell happened to you?"

Somehow, Epona managed a shrug. "I don't know. You were riding me… and Navi was going on about a wizard chasing us, and then I woke up here. Like this. Where are we?"

Link shook his head. "I don't know, but we aren't in Hyrule anymore, Epona. Say, do you know what happened to Navi?"

Again, Epona managed a shrug. "No, but I thought I heard her voice over there." She pointed with one foot to a random well sticking up out of the grass.

The young man walked over to it, and, sure enough, standing next to it, he could hear Navi's voice shouting for him, muttering curses, and being all around cranky and upset. However, the voice sounded slightly muffled. Link was pretty sure it wasn't coming from inside the well, so he searched the grass around it and found a round, clear orb, in which Navi lay, semi-conscious. Link picked up the orb careful and called to his fairy companion. And then she came to full wakefulness.

"Link!" she cried, flying out of his hands, though the orb still surrounded her. "Eh? What the hell is this bubble thing? Get me out! Get me out, you idiot! Why didn't you listen to me when I warned you about the wizard? Where's Epona? Where are we?"

"Glad you're ok, too," said Link with a grin. "I have no idea where we are. The wizard teleported us here, I guess, and did something to Epona, because she's now.. a weird cow-thing that can talk."

"Hi Navi!" greeted Epona.

"Egads!" shrieked the fairy. "Are you really Epona? Sheesh…"

Then, Navi turned back to Link. "Hello, why aren't you getting me out of this orb?"

Link snatched it out of the air, with Navi inside. "Want me to try and smash it?"

"Yes!"

He shrugged, then slammed it against the well. It didn't break. It didn't even crack. And Navi groaned. "Ouch. Wait, don't do that again, please."

Suddenly, a female voice behind them said, "Wow. Now that's a cool grunty. Much better than the weird ones you raised, Kite."

"Then, why don't you raise one and quit complaining about mine, Blackrose?" retorted a boy amiably.

"Ooh! I bet that's a really rare type of grunty," squealed another girl. "I've never seen one like that before!"

"Mistral, calm down!" said Blackrose.

"Eh… Are you talking about me?" asked Epona, trotting over to the trio.

"Oh, you're a girl!" exclaimed Mistral. She had a habit of talking with multiple exclamation points when the was excited "What's your name! What type of grunty are you! Who do you belong to!"

"Umm.. Hi? I'm Epona, and what's a grunty, and I belong to Malon, technically, but Link's actually the one who rides me. He's over there."

Link, meanwhile, just stared at the three people. The one with the staff was obviously crazy, and the two others were warriors, but they were rather odd. After all, one wore rather skimpy armor, and had weird tattoos on her arms and belly, and the other had weird marks on his cheeks and dressed rather strangely himself.

"Hello…?" he said when Kite, Mistral and Blackrose looked at him. "Who are you..? And… where am I?"

"I'm Mistral, hunter of rare items, and that's Kite and Blackrose… Oooh! Where'd you get that character design!" she squealed. "I've never seen _anything_ like that before… it must be really rare! Did you win it or something? And how'd you get that grunty? It's sooo coool! Oh, and what to you mean where are you? You're in Sigma: Time's Cheery Wavemaster. Hey, are you here for the rare item, too? Or did you already find it?"

"Mistral! Will you slow down, please? You're giving me a headache! You talk faster than an American auctioneer!" snapped Blackrose.

Kite snorted a laugh, and Blackrose glared at him. Link blinked at them. Navi fluttered out of Link's hands, floating next to him and staring, too.

"Oooo! What's that?" said Mistral, sticking her tongue out at Blackrose and staring at Navi. "A fairy's orb? No way! How'd you get it to fly like that? And how'd you get a blue one! Usually fairy's orbs are pink…"

"I am _not_ an 'it'! And I'm _not_ a fairy's orb. I'm a fairy stuck in this damn orb, and I'd really like to get out!"

"You can talk! Wooooooow!"

"Of course I can talk, moron," snapped Navi. "I'm a **fairy**."

"Navi," warned Link. "Be nice."

"Easy for you to say. _You're_ not stuck in a blasted bauble."

Mistral stared. Suddenly, she gave a start, a moan and said, "Oh my gosh! My pie! It'll burn! Got to go! Sorry guys!"

And then she vanished amid three golden rings. Link and Navi (but not Epona who, upon being ignored, had gone on to quietly munch grass) stared in amazement. Then, Navi muttered a few nasty things. So, Link pulled off his hat and snatched Navi with it, muffling her curses and protests with the green fabric.

"Umm… Sorry about her. She's not always so.. mm.. cranky," he said, apologetically.

"That's all right. Blackrose is the same way," said Kite, for which he received a punch. Rubbing his shoulder, he asked her, "Was that _really_ necessary?"

"Yes." Blackrose sniffed then looked at Link. "So… Who are you, anyway?"

"I'm Link. Umm… You wouldn't happen to be able to give me a better idea of where I am that she did?"

Kite and Blackrose exchanged a glance. "What do you mean?" asked Kite. "Mistral told you exactly where we are… We're in the Sigma server, in the field Time's Cheery Wavemaster. She dragged us here to find a supposed rare item in the dungeon."

"Sigma server…?"

"The fourth sever. Fort Ouph," explained Blackrose, as though this should all be perfectly clear. At Link's confused look, she sighed. "You're a newbie, aren't you?"

"Newbie? At what? And what do you mean by 'server'?"

"There are five Japanese servers for The World. It is a rather large online roleplay game, you know. So… CC corporation has multiple servers set up for different playing levels. This happens to be the second hardest," said Blackrose. "So… if you're a newbie to the game, you'd do best to be on the delta server, Mac Anu, which is for newbies. And, I'm pretty sure you _are_ a newbie. Did you just win a character competition or something?"

"Wha-? No…"

"Hey!" exclaimed Kite, a sudden expression of recognition dawning upon his face. "You're character design is that of a video game character - Link from the old Legend of Zelda games… Specifically Ocarina of Time, if you've got Epona and Navi… right?"

Link stared at him. Blackrose blinked. "Legend of Zelda? What's that?" she asked.

"It's an old series of games, dating back to the very original Nintento, and it was begun in 1987," explained Kite with a sheepish grin. "One of the oldest rpgs in existence, discounting ones like Adventure for the Atari. The original Legend of Zelda was the first console game to have a battery pack so you could save your games. Anyway, Ocarina of Time was the fifth game in the series, released in the late 1990s, and the first 3D one. It was made for the Nintendo 64, the last of the consoles to use cartridges. And it was really popular in its time, especially among the cult Zelda fanatics… In all of the games you controlled a character named Link in his adventures, usually involving rescuing the Princess Zelda, defeating Ganon / Ganondorf, and saving the land of Hyrule from destruction. There were a few off shoots that took place outside of Hyrule, like Link's Awakening, Majora's Mask, Oracle of Seasons and Oracle of Ages, but for the most part, Hyrule was the stage, although its design and mapping changed from game to game. Anyway his," Kite gestured to Link, "character design is extraordinarily similar to that of the Link, right down to the Master Sword, Hylian shield, pointy ears, earings, spiffy hat, green tunic, etc. And Ocarina of Time was the only one to have Navi and Epona, although in later ones, like Twilight Princess, you had a horse, too."

"Kite… That's enough. I get the picture. How the hell do you know all of that about an old console game, anyway? You are fricken obsessed!" said Blackrose, looking a little scared.

"I am not. We just have the old consoles lying around at home. They were dad's apparently, when he was my age. And they are fun! Ok… so maybe I'm a bit of a dork for playing games as old as Pong, Space Invaders, Centipede and Pac Man, but they _are_ fun. Except Asteroid. That one just bugs me. But Legend of Zelda, the _old_ Final Fantasies and Golden Sun are definitely my favorites."

Blackrose rolled her eyes. "You _are_ a geek."

"You just don't appreciate the roots of games like this one. RPGs and graphics like this didn't just pop into existence, you know."

"Umm…" interrupted Link. "What the hell are you talking about? I am not a video game character, whatever that is… Din, what is a video game, anyway? Look… I was just riding along, minding my own business when this wizard randomly teleported me, Epona and Navi here… wherever the hell 'here' is, and right now, I'd much rather get back to Hyrule. So… could you guys please start making a little sense?"

Kite and Blackrose stared. "Umm… This _is_ a video game. It's called The World, and with good reason. But, I think you're taking the term 'in character' a little too far," said Blackrose.

Kite suddenly laughed. "Wow… I get it. You've accidentally been teleported to a video game not your own… Ha! That's hilarious!"

"Kite…?" queried Blackrose.

"Umm… ooookaaaay," said Link.

Kite was about to say something else when his gaze slipped past Link, and the twin blade called, "Watch out! Hey… what's a data bug doing here?"

Link turned to see a large dragonish beast covered in patches of sickly green glowing-ness. Something about it was just… wrong. And sick. And it was advancing upon them menacingly. He glanced back at Blackrose and Kite, and saw them holding weapons he was sure they didn't have before. Kite held two thin, not terribly long blades, and Blackrose carried a sword that was as big as she was! Link blinked and drew his own sword and shield. The fight was on…

Kite leapt at the creature, not expecting it to be quite so fast as it was. It thudded him hard with a claw, sending the boy sprawling, his stomach throbbing where he'd been clawed (though his digital body, of course, showed no evidence of the wound whatsoever) and other portions of his body aching in response to the unwelcome intimacy with the ground. One of the drawbacks to possessing the bracelet was that he could feel ( to a certain extent ) things that happened to his avatar, to him within the game. However, he'd long since learned how to ignore pain, and he'd developed a remarkably high tolerance for it.

Ergo, even as Blackrose cried out, "Kite! Kite get up!" he, with a soft groan, was able to get to his feet and run at the creature again.

He saw that Link held his own very well. Well, in the games, once you figured out how the buttons worked, Link had _always_ been an expert swordsman.

"Kite! I _said_ get up!"

"I am up; I am up," he replied, meaning to shout, though his voice came out in a sleepy murmur.

"No you're not! Kite, when I say get up, I mean it!"

The scene before him faded and Kite found himself lying in his bed, staring up at an irate mother. He blinked groggily and rubbed his eyes.

"It's past noon, for pity's sake! I don't care if it's summer, but I'll not have my son turning into an owl. Get up."

Kite replied with an unintelligible, sleep-blurred groan. As his mother stalked out of the room, Kite reflected upon his dream…

Really… He played video games _entirely_ too much…

Maybe he should cut back…? Nah…

* * *

Author's Notes:

No. I'm not obsessed with Legend of Zelda. I swear! I just happen to have the "official guide from Nintendo Power" for Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, and in the beginning, it lists the various LoZ games preceding OoT, plus gives interesting descriptions of LoZ, LoZ:AoL, and LoZ:LttP. Well, it does give a short blurb on LA… But… It's only a paragraph. Anyway, the guide thing does give the dates each of the first five LoZ games were released. Here they are…

The Legend of Zelda: 1987 (I've played & beaten on the original nintendo, complete with the shiney gold colored casing of this loverly console game. XD I've never done the whateverit'scalled challenge and beaten it without using a sword. (possible, but uber hard, except for you have to use a sword to beat Ganon)

The Adventure of Link: 1988 (I've never played, unfortunately. Never been able to get a copy)

A Link To The Past: 1991 (soooo awesome! I've beaten it in its original form, and I've almost beaten it for the GBA… O.o I just haven't bothered to finish Ganon's Tower. I'm sorry, but I just hate that dungeon. It's sooo long…)

Link's Awakening: 1993 (I've played it. Never beaten it, but I don't own a copy. I borrowed a friend's for a few days. –sigh- )

Ocarina of Time: 1998 (Played, beaten, mastered… accidentally deleted my game where I had _everything._ )

The ones that come after:

Majora's Mask: 2000 (played, beaten, never got all the heart pieces, though. Fierce Diety mask RAWKS)

Oracle of Ages? (Never played)

Oracle of Seasons? (played, beaten)

Wind Waker: (I don't have a GC –cries- so I've never played…)

Twilight Princess: 2005? Maybe? I'm hoping I can borrow my brother's GC, since he and his wife are rather busy with their two (soon to be three) daughters. O.o Maybe I can rent TP and then play it… -ish extra-hopeful-

Umm… yes… I'm not obsessed… I swear! Just because I've read the manga for OoT, MM, OoA, OoS, and a bit of the manga of LttP… -shifty eyes-

Ahem… Aaaanyway….personally, I think this one of my Close Encounters wasn't written terribly well, but it was this totally random and somewhat humorous idea I had. Plus, I've always wanted to put Navi in a ball of glass or something. Tatl, too. Although, I like both fairies. O.o Actually, if I had my way, first the Great Fairies would put on some decent clothing… then, I'd duct tape them together so they wouldn't get shattered and make me scour the ing dungeons in search of elusive, stupid, glowy lanturns… and THEN I'd go shove them all in a lake somewhere. They just piss me off. Their shrieks of laughter scare me, and…I. Just. Don't. Like. Them.

Plus… The Great Fairy's Mask is JUST WRONG! I'm sorry, but making Link wear a mask whose fuchsia hair glitters when fairies are near…. That's just… wrong.

Hmm… Anyway… Reviewers:

Thanks sooo much! I'm sorry if this one is a big disappointment (it is for me)… I do promise that my next 'encounter' will be better… Although, it may not be in The World, but, rather, in the real world…. Note that I said 'may'.

Please give me advice on how I could have written this chapter better! Maybe some stuff I could have expanded upon or something…? -yawn- Ah, drat. My caffeine is running out…

**Nessmk: ** Yaaaaay! I made you happy! Well… I will keep these going, and this is the only one I have planned that won't be entirely .hack characters… Hehe… This idea was just… floating around in my head. Yeah… Rena and Shugo could meet Br & Kite… In the manga, it merely states that Kite is rather busy… and Kazu says his sister sends her regards. Soo… since she'd be in college, maybe she's busy too? But… It never does say that they _couldn't _meet…

**Of the Young and Foolish:** I can't wait to read yours. I always find amusement out of meetings like that… I've read your stuff, though, and I must say I like it very much. Hot Chocolate was great! I don't quite remember if I left a review on all three of your stories, but I read them. I especially like Hack Comedy. I'd always wondered whether people actually noticed that Kite and Blackrose always had the same weapons in the cutscenes… And poor Kite… -shifty eyes- the flying kite, with his own fanclub of mary-sues… Buahahaha!

Ahem… Anyway, yes… I wish I could draw manga, because I think it would be very nice to have a framed picture of this scene… XD Comic-style, so we could see Rena trying to PK Kite, and then the anime sweatdrop of embarrassment as she stutters her apologizes. Um… Yes… O.o Glad you liked that part, though. It had me cracking up as I wrote it…

Oh… And… The lapse in which I called Blackrose 'Akemi' was really just a mental lapse. I swear! I know she's supposed to be named Akira, but in another .hack fanfic I wrote, I named her Akemi… Because I'd named Kite Akira. (I know, I know… Akira can be a girl's name, but it can also be a guy's. Kind of like Loren/Lauren… O.o) Yeah… When I remember, I'll upload an edited version in which I will have corrected that fluff… x.x

No! I can't wait for GU! -wails- But… I must… … -shifty eyes- SHHH! Don't give away my idea for my third close encounter! -winks- mm… Actually, thanks for giving me that idea… Buahahah….

**Steeple333: **I don't particularly hate that song. No…. I LOATHE it. When we were in Disneyland when I was younger, my parents _refused_ to let me see that ride. And, in retrospect, I thank them for that…. Glad you liked this story, though! Sorry that this chapter sucks… O.o My next one I swear will be better…

**Senkai-Ninja:** Thanks a lot! Yes… I wrote that story with the three manga volumes next to me… and I looked in them for references… Hehe…

**Wateralchemist:** Umm… How could my grammar use work? Punctuation? Phrasing? What…? Also, keep in mind that, if, say, you aren't American, or from somewhere other than Ohio, there _are_ quite a few idiomatic differences. –glares at the MLA and English teachers- Anyway, thanks a lot!

**Demondog17: **Yay! Thanks a lot!

**Rayne: **Amusingful? XD Great word! Thanks a lot!


	3. So you are a stalker! aka:Small World2

CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE BIZARRE KIND 

_A series of One-shots detailing the strange and often humorous (or at least _I_ find them humorous) little things I think of involving the .hack characters, among others. Please note that there will be crossovers in some of these from other video games, anime, etc._

**Disclaimer**_: I do not own .hack _

**On Reviews**_: Please review! Reviews are addicting, and I'd hate to start suffering withdrawal symptoms if people didn't review…_

**Genre: **Humor / Parody (Some of it, anyway)

**Rating: **G toPG (I'm not really sure whether some of these are little kid friendly enough to constitute a G rating, so that's why I've opted to rate it PG )

Close Encounter Three: **So you _are_ a Stalker! (Aka: Small World II )**

"Remind me again why we're at a pizza parlor, sir?" asked Fujio, a thin young man in his mid-twenties with blond hair and a somewhat exasperated expression adorning his pale face. With dark blue eyes, he regarded the somewhat older man seated across from him at the small table.

The other man laughed softly, running a hand through shaggy black hair, which framed an equally pale face in which two lavender eyes glittered with his laughter. "Because we don't have to be back at work for two hours, and it's lunch time. Don't tell me you don't like pizza?"

"It's not that, sir," replied the other. "While in college I practically _lived_ on pizza at times. But, why here? And why can't I just eat at the cafeteria at work? The food's not bad…"

"Because, Fujio, you need a break. You're not allowed to do any work at all until we go back to CC corp."

"But sir! I've still that report to type up. Besides, _Balmung_-san, we're hosting an event tonight, and I still need to finish preparations for that and –"

The other arched an eyebrow. "Will you just relax for once? Are _all_ history majors that anal?"

Fujio gave his superior a withering glare. "I am not anal. If you want someone anal, then go find Kamui."

"Unfortunately, you'll have to do. She and I rather don't get along, if you recall."

"That's because you have too much fun taunting her. Plus, you don't exactly follow the rules, sir."

"You're point? Those are hardly reasons to hate someone."

Fujio rolled his eyes. He was about to say something further when his companion spoke once more.

"Ah! Pizza's here! Dig in, my friend!"

Meanwhile, a young boy and a young girl entered the pizza shop and were given the table right next to the other two. The boy wasn't really a boy, but a teenager and nearly a man, at the age of nineteen. The girl was two years older, but she didn't look it. The boy somehow managed to be lanky, despite the fact he wasn't particularly tall. The girl, on the other hand, was curvy, with an hourglass form. But, the leanness of both was due in part to apparent athleticism. The boy played soccer. The girl played tennis. Both were rather good, though sports were not their primary interests. Actually, at the moment, their primary interest was to spend some time together on a day when both were home from college.

"You know, Kenji, I've never actually been here," remarked the young woman as they took their seats.

"Really?" asked the boy, raising his eyebrows. "It's not very far from your family's home, though."

"True, but I've never been a big fan of pizza," she replied. "American food is too greasy."

"Akira," said he. "Pizza is Italian, not American."

"Ah, but you've never had a proper Italian pizza, have you? "

"No, but pizza is still Italian."

"_This_ pizza is American. You can tell by the way it's made."

"I thought you said you'd never been here before."

"I haven't, but I can see the pizzas of other people. And they aren't Italian pizza."

"Whatever. Y'know, I haven't seen you online much recently."

Akira stuck out her tongue. "You're not the only one busy with college, measly little freshman!"

"Yeah, yeah…" Kenji rolled his eyes. An impish grin curved his lips. "I bet you've been relishing in your ability to drink, no?"

She rolled her eyes, but didn't deny it. "That's something I've got on you, at least. It's legal for me. Although, I've only gone out a few times. I'm not a party animal, and you know it."

"Could have fooled me… Ow! Did you really need to kick me?"

"Yes."

"S- sorry for the wait. M- may I take your orders?" The waiter stood next to the table. He was actually about two years younger than Kenji, still in high school, but something about his voice was familiar. However, neither Kenji nor Akira could quite place it.

"Umm… We'd like a medium pizza with pepperoni," said Kenji.

"And extra tomatoes," added Akira.

"Anything to drink?"

"Cherry Coke," said Akira.

"Your lovely Arnold Palmer," said Kenji.

"Right. I'll bring the drinks right out." And the waiter, with the name tag reading Hidezki, whisked off to enter the order and retrieve the drinks.

"What's an Arnold Palmer?" asked Akira, frowning.

"It's a drink," explained Kenji.

"Obviously. What's in it?"

"Iced tea and lemonade."

"That's all?"

"Yeah. It's quite good, actually."

Fujio and his companion, while they'd glanced at the two newcomers, paid little attention to them, instead concentrating upon their pizza. They chattered amiably, discussing office mini-dramas, among other things. After a while, though, their conversation turned to matters actually concerning The World.

"So," said Fujio. "Please say you weren't serious about the Grunty Karaoke contest, sir?"

Laughter was the response. "Why not? I think it would be great!"

Fujio rolled his eyes. "I don't. You know, you have a reputation of the strangest administrator. You're such an idiot."

The other grinned. "Oh, really?"

"Yes. Haven't you read the boards about you, o system administrator Balmung?"

"I have. And my friends have informed me that some of my events are… mmm… interesting. And yet, people seem to enjoy them."

"Oh, really?"

"You have to admit the Tanabata festival was great!"

"I hated that one! You made _me_ host it."

A grin. "You needed some experience hosting an event."

Fujio gave his boss a level glare, but the one ignored it and went on, "The Cherry Blossom Festival was nice."

"Yes…. Whatever you say. Only _you _would put high level skeletons in an event like that."

"And why not? Skeletons in the yard are better than skeletons in the closet, no?"

"Oh, how very _punny_, sir."

Another grin. Fujio just rolled his eyes.

Meanwhile, another man entered the pizzeria, and his table just happened to be one forming a small triangle with that of both aforementioned pairs. The man was of medium height, as far as men went, and dressed neatly, albeit somewhat like a geek. The pocket protector just screamed such sentiments, not that he was terribly bad looking. Not that he was handsome, either. Anyway, he sat down at the table and perused the paper menu proclaiming the variety of pizzas, subs, and toppings served at the restaurant. After mentally deciding upon something, he put the menu down and gazed about absently as he waited for the waiter, Hidezke.

Hidezke, meanwhile, laden with two drinks and a pizza, returned to Kenji and Akira's table. "H-here you are," stated the waiter. "A Cherry Coke, an Arnold Palmer, and one medium pizza with pepperoni. Would either of you like anything else?"

After exchanging a glance with Akira, Kenji shook his head. "Nope. We're good. Thanks! Could you bring the check?"

"Certainly, sir." The waiter hesitated a moment, then shook his head and moved over to the geek-man's table. "G-good afternoon, sir. May I take your order?"

"Yes," replied the nerdy man. Kenji, Akira and the waiter all found his voice familiar, too. However, they couldn't quite place it. It was the sort of voice that Akira instantly classified as at least somewhat gay. That aside, the man continued, asking for a pizza with (LOOK UP PIROS'S EMAILS FOR FOOD HE LIKES!) and a peach iced tea.

Kenji arched an eyebrow at Akira, who was staring sidelong at the man, frowning. She noticed, after a moment, and flushed slightly. "Sorry, Kite," she said. "It's just... Something about his voice is sooo familiar. Same with our waiter. It's creeping me out a little."

"Ah. Well, I'd call you crazy, except that it's the same for me. Oh well..." Kenji reached forward and carefully lifted a steaming slice of pizza from the central, round tray, snagging the sticking, melty mozzarella; he really did like the cheese. "Why do you call me Kite offline, anyway? We've known each other for, what, four-five years now? It's not like I call you Blackrose all the time."

She shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe I'm used to calling my brother by the same name on and offline, so I do the same for other guys in my life? Actually, I'm not the _only_ one who calls you Kite, am I?"

"Offline, you are. Except for one girl."

"Ooh?"

"Tch. Don't look at me like that!"

"Who was it." She didn't ask, so much as demand, icily.

"I don't think you'll be happy to hear."

"All right! It was Terajima Ryoko."

"What! Nakahara Kenji Kite!"

Kenji winced under her fierce glare and scolding voice. "You don't have to yell at me like that. I've only seen her once, and it was during a visit with some relatives. She apparently lives in the same apartment block as my aunt and uncle. Plus, their families know each other. Last time I was there, Ryoko happened to be home from school for a bit, and the Terajima family had myself, my sister, my cousins, my aunt and my uncle over for dinner."

"Sure."

"It's true! You can ask Naomi about it, if you don't believe me. Anyway, are you so insecure as to believe that some other girl could steal my heart from you?"

"No! But, I don't want you to get any ideas."

Kenji chuckled softly and rolled his eyes. They were a deep blue, just like his eyes online. Well, his real eyes were much darker. Akira's eyes, however, weren't the garnet color they were online. No, in real life they were brownish green. Anyway, they ate their pizza in silence for a few moments before Kenji spoke again.

"You know... I think I know where I've heard our waiter's voice before."

"Really?" asked Akira. "Where?"

"The World."

"Hmm? Someone we know?"

"Yeah. I think so. Well, he remindes me a lot of Elk. Even the way he looks is somewhat reminiscant of Elk."

"I suppose so," said Akira, dubiously. "Maybe, when he comes with the check, we could ask?"

Meanwhile, Fujio was trying desperately to convince his boss that a grunty karaoke contest was not the best idea. "But sir! How would players even be able to enter?"

"Simple. They call their grunty in the designated field, then register with an NPC. Then, when the contest begins, the players would..."

"Would what? Sir... If it's a _grunty_ karaoke contest, then all the players have to do is enter the grunty. There's no competition in that. Besides, all the Mikey grunties would probably win."

"Hmm... What do you think would work, Kenji?"

"I don't know! I'm not the one who comes up with the events. That's your job. I'm just here to point out everything wrong, fix all the messes you make, and type drafts for reports."

"And answer any questions I ever have about anything historical. You forgot that."

Fujio blinked and sighed.

"Anyway," continued his boss. "I meant what do you think would work with the Grunty Karaoke?"

However, Fujio was saved from having to answer by Hidezki returning with their check. "I hope you found your meal enjoyable, sirs," he said, bowing after he'd given them the check. "Please come again!"

The waiter then turned to the table of Kenji and Akira. "H-how is your meal?" he asked.

"This pizza is actually good," said Akira, with a faint note of surprise.

"Heh! Told you," said Kenji, with a note of triumph.

"Excellent. Um... here is your check, sir, miss." Hidezki bowed and moved as if to go.

"Wait a moment," said Kenji. "Um... You don't happen to play The World, do you?"

"Y-yes, sir. Why?"

"What's your username there?"

Hidezki blinked in surprise. "Elk. Why?"

Kenji gave Akira an I-told-you-so look. "Ah. You see, Blackrose and I were trying to figure out where we knew you from."

Hidezki's eyes widened. "K-kite?"

"Yup! Although, my name is actually Kenji. Good to see you! Who'd have thought we'd meet you someplace like this?"

'Elk' grinned. "Indeed. Who'd have thought? How have you two been?"

"Pretty good," replied Akira. "Albeit busy with college stuffs. Do you live around here?"

"Yeah. Actually, my dad owns this place."

"Really? Cool!" Akira smiled. "Actually, I live a few blocks away from here. Are you still in high school?"

"Y-yeah. You two are in college now?"

"Mmhmm," said Kenji. "But Akira's a junior, while I be a mere freshman."

"You're older than him!"

Akira frowned, as if offended. "Yeah..."

"Ha! I win the bet!"

"Bet?" queried Kite.

"With Mia. While we were almost certain you two were going out, we couldn't decide if you were the same age or not. I bet her that Black, er, Akira was older than Kite, er, Kenji." Hidezki grinned.

Kenji and Akira blinked. Then Kenji laughed while Akira shifted between annoyance and bemusement. She finally settled on a combination of the two.

Meanwhile, Fujio and his boss had broken off their conversation, eavesdropping on the table next to theirs. The older man smiled to himself and turned his head to regard 'Kite', 'Blackrose', and 'Elk'. Fujio, although he had only met Kite before online, had at least heard of the other two from Balmung, his boss. So, he wasn't completely clueless as to the conversation. The man at Hidezki's third table, though, was watching, too. He was watching rather intently, as a matter of fact. After a moment, or so, he rose from his seat and came over to their table. Bowing slightly, he looked at Kenji and spoke.

"I appologize, for I could not help but overhear your conversation," he began.

"I'm sure you could've," muttered Akira. "If you'd really tried."

The man ignored her and continued: "And, well, I play The World, too."

"Who doesn't? And, please pardon me for asking, but why are you butting in on our conversation?" asked Kenji.

"Why not, He of Fair Eyes?"

Kenji, Akira and Hidezki gaped at him. Suddenly, Akira leapt up, knocking her chair backwards. She jabbed a finger at the man and shouted, "So you _are_ a stalker! I KNEW IT!"

"I am not!" huffed 'Piros' indignantly. "I can't help it if we happened to be in the same restaurant."

"Sure. Yeah... Whatever. Why were you eavesdropping, eh?"

"Well, I am one table over, and you weren't exactly being quiet."

"Why'd you pick that table? There are plenty of other ones!"

"That was the one I was pointed to!"

"And why the hell do you always call Kenji "He of Fair Eyes"? That is such a gay, creepy thing to do!"

"Umm..." He flushed, but only a little. Still, he did look uncomfortable.

"See? I'm right on multiple counts!" she said to Kenji.

"Huh?"

"I not only told you he was a stalker, but I told you he was gay, too!"

"Akira... Although I agree with you, you ought not to jump to conclusions! You could at least try to be nice, you know."

Hidezki, meanwhile, snickered. "Oh, what I wouldn't give to have a camera."

"Why?" asked 'Piros', somewhat disturbed.

"So I could have a picture of you pink in the real world to match the screenshot Mia took of you pink in The World."

'Piros' blinked. "Dear god, no!"

"Hey, that's right. Mia always used to play pranks on you," remarked Kenji, chuckling.

"Yeah. It's a shame we don't have any rare item or potion or something that could turn you yellow, or orange or something," said Akira. "Anyone have grape soda, though?"

'Piros' shifted. "Umm... I think I'll be going... He of Fair Eyes."

"Ok. That's just disturbing," said Kenji. "Please never call me that again. Ever."

"But..."

"I thought you said you were going," hissed Blackrose, her tone quite hostile.

'Piros' scurried off, cowed by her evil glare. Even her brother would have hesitated before provoking her at this moment in time. Kenji, however, seemed determined to push her farther into the realms of vexation. Ergo, he flashed her an impish grin and opened his mouth to sing. He hadn't even enunciated the first word when she scowled.

"Don't you DARE!"

"_It's a small world after all_..."

"NAKAHARA KENJI KITE! YOU WILL **NOT** SING THAT EVER AGAIN ON PAIN OF HAVING YOUR VOCAL CHORDS SURGICALLY REMOVED! Bad enough you'll torment me with that online."

'Kite' laughed. "Aw, come on! I only sang it that one time when we met Shugo and Rena."

A muscle below her eye twitched, and she fixed him with a death glare. Somehow, in real life, it was so much more potent and threatening than online. Kenji shrank away from his girlfriend in fear for his life. However, a certain one seated at the next table over had no such qualms. He'd received worse looks from certain women... Kamui came to mind. Anyway, with a wink at Fujio, he sang, too, picking up with the next strand of repetitive music.

"_It's a small world after all. It's a small world after all. A small, small, small, small world._"

Akira snarled, "Shut. The. Hell. Up. And who the hell are you anyway?"

The man grinned. "You should be able to figure that much out. I'm the one who comes up with weird events, remember?"

"Balmung!" exclaimed Kenji in astonishment. "And... Reki?"

"Indeed," said 'Balmung.'

'Reki' merely blinked. "Hi," he sighed, somewhat exasperated.

Hidezki, too, looked rather on the startled side. "Holy cow," he muttered. (or at least the Japanese equivalent.) "It _is_ a small world."

"You're a stalker, too!" snapped Akira. "I'm surrounded by stalkers! Gah!"

She collapsed back into her seat. Kenji scooted to the seat next to her (there were four at their table), and he put his arm around her shoulder. "There, there, Akira. The world _is_ small, after all."

She punched him. Hard. _Very _hard.

* * *

Author's Notes:

Eh… this scenario just kind of popped into my head… and went out my fingers before I really had much opportunity to think about it. This is a semi-sequel to Small World, so there were a few references. XD

I know, I know… The part with Piros was just… strange, but oh well..

Oh! Does anyone know if Balmung has an actual name IRL? By actual name, I mean one that's 'official'…

**Steeple333: **-shifty eyes- who says I haven't bottled them? Hehehe… I've written more! See? Hope you like this chapter. Even with _the song_ (evil music & a scream) in it…

**Rayne: **Amusingful is still a great word. Indeed… .hack/LOZ… Muahahaha… heey! Y'know what? A super Smash Brothers sort of thing with .hack characters would be sooo awesome! One of Kite's specialized attacks could be data draining… which would do heavy damage with his bracelet. Sorry… random idea that just popped up.

**Twilight Memories**: Legend of Zelda rawks! You really ought to play some in the series… mm… yes… Small World After All surfaced again… BUAHAHAHAHAHAH! -ahem- Yes…

**Althea Astera Renata: **Interesting namerly thing. Yeah, I'll have some from .hack/SIGN.. Just not yet. Here's a new update! Muahaha… Golden Sun RAWKS!

PREVIEW OF NEXT CHAPTER:

Well… at least the title of it: Cooooffeeeee!

This one'll take place _in_ The World… And it will explain the _true_ reasons behind the 'evil Kite' in the Kite vs. Balmung panels in the manga, as well as the 'evil ZOMBIE Kite' appearing in the G.U. trailer….


End file.
